Anxiety

I’ve never considered myself an anxious person because of the common categories that people usually use when talking about anxiety. But over the last couple of years, I’ve begun to realize that I do actually experience anxious thoughts and feelings, I’ve always just named them “overwhelmed” or most commonly “struggling”. The reason that I called them this was that I did in fact feel like I was struggling- to do that which would alleviate the feeling of anxiety- perform better. 

The first time I remember noticing this anxiety in myself was on a normal weekday, right before Michael got home from work. I had wasted an hour(or more?) on social media that afternoon and the house was a disaster and I was late starting dinner.  We had been having conversations about order in the house and scheduling so I knew I had blown it… again. This was sort of a common issue for me. So, as I started racing around the house, not really knowing where to start so that it would look less like the reality that it was, I felt a familiar feeling in my gut and throat. Racing heart, short of breath, unable to think clearly…basically, signs of anxiety. And I remember thinking right then, I’m anxious. I feel really anxious. Suddenly I realized that this was a feeling I feel a lot, and almost always in these circumstances when I have regretted a choice I’ve made and now am incapable of making up for it(waste time on my phone and not have time to catch up to erase the evidence of the laziness). And then I said to myself, why? Why am I so anxious about this? 

I knew the answer as soon as I asked the question, the fear clawing at my throat with ruthless intensity: “he won’t put up with this forever. And what if this is the last time?” 

The weight of this burden, this fear of rejection and abandonment, once carried around for the whole of a life, how in the world do you just set that down? How, after believing the lie that you’re only accepted and loved for what you offer, and in turn, only worth keeping around if you come out in the black in that credit system, how do you stop believing that is the relational metric to live by? 

Spoiler alert: it’s not by chanting “you are enough” at yourself every morning in the mirror. It’s not by believing that what I offer by simply drawing breath is worth putting up with every besetting sin I give room to in my life. 

I’d learned this before- this truth that there is no amount of perfection I could offer to my husband to satisfy every need and longing he has so that I could guarantee his loyalty for the length of our marriage and thus soothe this deep-seeded fear in my heart. In order to be free in my marriage, I had to place my full trust in Christ and trust that my husband would seek his wholeness and fulfillment in Him and that there would be grace when I failed to meet those relational needs. This I had learned and needed to recognize again as a place where I would be prone to falter. 

BUT THEN THIS WEEKEND. We shared our story in front of a new church family and I went back to the past to share how God has redeemed the darkest and most scandalous parts of my story. And you know what hit me like it was the first time? Maybe, while I’ve worked hard on rooting out that false belief in my marriage of only being worth what I can do, maybe I haven’t dug quite deep enough. 

And maybe this is attached to my recent struggle with assurance of salvation + faith- this lie, that when I “let God down” by not living up to what He is calling me to in His word, that He can only take so much for so long until I won’t be worth it anymore. And that same question I ask myself “why are you afraid?” Is answered with those same terrifying words “He will only put up with you for so long.” 

The horror of this lie is rooted in the heresy of the theology that it reveals: that I still think I have something to do with my salvation + that I can make God love me more or less. while I can accurately recite the gospel and “know” the truth that it is in Christ alone that I’m made righteous before God and that it is by grace alone and not by works that no one may boast, do I REALLY believe that and all the implications that holds? That God is the One who initiated my salvation and He is completing His work in me.

I recalled on Sunday that in high school I tried to assuage my guilty conscience due to my sin by partial confessions and trying harder and striving more, because I just didn’t want to fully admit that I was actually THAT GIRL, and I resented needing so much grace and forgiveness like… everyone else. 

And now the connection is being made, this beloved sin of mine that keeps wrestling me and tripping up my feet: the desire to satisfy others, even God Himself. It’s not ambitious or an admirable quality or a worthy goal to strive for. It’s idolatry, plain and evil. The end result makes me the master and the one who brings her fullness to the table like a savior, instead of coming like the wretched sinner that I am, humble and desperate for the Living Water + the Bread of Life. 

Instead of looking in my vain face in the mirror and reciting wicked chants about how good I can be or don’t have to be, the way to freedom from this suffocating anxiety is to LOOK TO CHRIST, the One who hung on the cross + was raised in victory and now is my blood-bought righteousness that sets my soul free from the chains of the endless striving to prove I can do it, that I can be good. 

In the moments that I feel the quickening of my pulse and the clutch of fear squeezing my throat closed, I can stop and say, what am I afraid of? Do I really think I’ve surprised my Maker + Lord? And I can receive the gift of repentance by turning from the worthless things i set my eyes on: my phone, applause of men, vanity, fame and say “Lord, forgive me please. Make me a doer of Your Word in every sense and make me humble before You.”